Let me start off with saying I'm doing well alhamdulillah. Shortly after that post, I came to my conclusion. This decision I have been thinking about for 6+ months. It was eating away at me. It was interfering with my relationship with Allah swt. I began having resentful and angry thoughts about my deen. That's when I knew there had to be a change. I either needed to one, completely accept my decision and forget the doubts, or two, change my decision. There was no third option. No more constant emotional teeter tottering.
So what I'm about to tell you is something that I have not told a lot of people, relatively. I have yet to make a youtube video about it. I haven't even publicly made it obvious to my facebook friends. About the only ones that know this are those I work with because it's quite obvious. I've decided to no longer wear hijab.
This is something that I have contemplated, like I said, for a very long time. I finally came to the conclusion that being a resentful hijabi was far more detrimental than being a grateful non-hijabi. There's not much reward in doing something for Allah if you're angry, without the right intentions, and not grateful for the things in your life.
I would say the problem began about a year ago, which was 6 months after I started wearing it. Actually, I don't believe I ever had the right intentions to start with. I wanted to be known as a muslim and to fit in with the muslim community. Of course I felt good pleasing Allah, but I can look back now and know that that wasn't my sole reason for wearing it. Without pure intentions, there's nothing in this world that can sustain a good deed for long periods of time. I had a good run at it. A year and a half. I spent those 18 months constantly convincing myself I was happy with my hijab, when I was completely miserable.
However, as I was saying, the noticeable problem began about a year ago. Hijab made me so focused on my outer appearance. I was constantly worried about if an inch of my wrists were showing, a centimeter of my neck was exposed, if a loose piece of hair was sticking out. Hijab for me was all superficial. It didn't form any special relationship with Allah that people raved about. It actually did the opposite. Since I felt much more muslim with a headscarf, my practice of Islam began to slip. Being a white convert before hijab, I always worked really hard to be muslim. After hijab, I didn't have to work so hard because I felt muslim. I began to pray less, thank Allah less, and question Allah's plans for my life. I'm not saying I gave up total hope and gratitude, but it was significantly less.
So this is what made me finally decide that I must remove my hijab if I want to fix my relationship with Allah. I love Allah with all of my heart and I love Islam till the day that I die. However, I don't love hijab. It's that simple. Maybe one day I can have pure intentions to wear it again but only Allah knows that.
I don't regret wearing hijab, however. Through this difficult experience I've learned so much. For one obvious point, I've learned that a headscarf isn't a vital act of worship. You can be muslim without it and that wearing it doesn't make you a muslim. A muslim is someone who submits to Allah. I don't find resentment and questioning Allah's choices as submission. Therefore, I feel I am much more willing to submit to Allah without my hijab, as ironic as that sounds to the close minded.
Second, I find my internal relationship with Allah much more sacred that my outward dawah. What I mean by that is wearing hijab is great for showing people how muslims are and how we act and behave. It doesn't, however, show how we think and how we worship in our hearts. I find those two aspects to be more critical. Without a sound mind and heart, behavior and action have little foundation.
These are just my opinions. I'm sure many with throw ayat and hadith at me. Go ahead. Do as you will. I will do as I will. We live on this earth for such a short period of time. If we close our mind off and don't allow it to adapt to the situations were are submerged in, than life will be nothing more but a sad blink. Of course life isn't just about not being miserable, Allah wants us to do good. However, miserable people rarely do much good.
So my situation as of now. I'm working on cleansing my heart and building my relationship back with Allah. I'm not sure what the future holds for this blog or my youtube. I'd like your guys' opinion on this matter. Would you like me to continue my blog sans-hijab? I may turn it into a more lifestyle blog rather than purely fashion. As I've said, I'm working on focusing less on the outward.
Please let me know your thoughts and feedback.
aSalam Alaykum
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